As of 12/13/2011, Esme has had 2 oz of formula and I don't know how many ounces of breast milk in her entire life. Those 2 oz came sometime in September, after Jacob went back to work and I was absolutely losing my mind. I made the bottle, but couldn't bring myself to give it to her. So instead we sat in the nursery, crying together until about 10 minutes later Jacob came home from work. He fed her the bottle while I cried (okay, sobbed) in the other room full of Mommy Guilt. In retrospect, those tears were completely unnecessary; I was following the number one rule- feed the baby, just in a way that I didn't want to. Since then, Esme has not had another ounce of formula despite tons of obstacles. Nursing has definitely been 100 times harder than I expected, but what keeps me going is that it is 100 times more rewarding than I ever anticipated.
Obstacle #1- Thrush: I was so "lucky" to have thrush right out of the gate. Around day 2 in the hospital my nipples started to sting and burn, bad. It felt like someone was rubbing sand paper on them, or grating them with a lemon zester, or cutting them with tiny pieces of glass... Whatever description works best, they effing hurt. For about a week I would sob during nursings, and not due to baby blues. It was because it freaking hurt and the pain didn't go away after sessions either. No, it stayed and unless I was au naturale, they stung. My toes curled, my teeth clenched, I thought, "no way I can do this". Thank goodness for WIC, because they were able to tell me I had thrush. Two days of a home-made 3 part cream later, and life was good. Heck, I even enjoyed it!
Obstacle #2- Low Supply: I don't know what caused it, maybe I shouldn't have sent Esme to the nursery those two nights I was in the hospital, maybe I should've done more skin to skin, maybe I should've had her on my chest immediately after birth (those pesky NICU team, checking to make sure my baby was healthy), but my supply was low. In a 40 minute nursing session at about 5 weeks, Esme only got about 1.75 ounces, not completely horrendous, but not good. I tried everything to get it up. Fenugreek, lactation cookies, mother's milk tea, blessed thistle, oatmeal 'till I gagged, nothing seemed to help. Until I got Domperidone. I take 90 mg a day and I am finally nursing normal hours, with a baby that seems content between mealtimes. I will add though, days when I stress or don't get enough water my supply tanks. Who knows? Maybe the Domperidone is a placebo, it gets me to stress less about my supply and therefore it increases.
Obstacle #3- Cluster Feeding: Related to #2, perhaps. Esme is a marathon nurse-er. Especially in the evenings she likes to nurse every hour. When she was first born, she liked to nurse constantly for comfort. It drove me bananas. Sometimes I just wanted to chop off my boobs, hand them to Jacob and say, "you try for a minute". Luckily, the constant nursing has stopped, but she still clusters in the evenings. Better than her screaming, though!
Obstacle #4- Gall Bladder Removal: At exactly 3 weeks postpartum, I had to have my gall bladder removed. It is a rather simple surgery. I think I was "out" for an hour or so, but I was in a lot of pain afterward, especially in my shoulders. I pumped just enough for Esme to have while I was in surgery and afterward when I was in too much pain to nurse. I stupidly, dumped the 5.5 oz I pumped after my surgery because I was told it would have some of the anesthesia in it. I was told later that that was completely unnecessary- once I woke up the drugs were out of my system and therefore out of my breast milk. Goodbye 5.5 oz of liquid gold.
Obstacle #5- Peppermint: To anyone who doubts the "Old Wive's Tale" that peppermint is bad for your supply- don't! I got into a bag of candy cane kisses (yum) which contained peppermint oil... Bad idea! Esme was ticked! After all the work I did to get my supply to a reasonable amount, I tanked it. Jacob had to give her bottles while I pumped because there was basically nothing coming out. Thankfully, after a 2 day long nursing and pumping marathon, things seem to be back to "normal".
So, now Esme is 3.5 months old. Nursing is going great, except she is now starting to become more distracted. She pops her head off a lot while at the breast (um, oww), but still wants more milk. Its a struggle we are trying to work through. What I keep telling myself is that the issues I am having with breast feeding are temporary, but the benefits we get from sticking it are permanent.
